Singleness: Surviving or Thriving, Part One

I am writing a series on Singleness, called Singleness: Surviving or Thriving for my church's women's magazine. This series actually comes from a seminar I have given a few times. I need a place to post these for people who have been asking to read them, so this is the place.

 God has done a huge work in my heart in this area of singleness and continues to work, because I am far from perfect in this area. My heart for these articles is for two sets of people: for single women and for married women. For singles, that God would grow them into women who are abandoned to Him, His purpose and calling, and who are abundantly satisfied in Him. For married women, that you would grow in your ability to encourage and shepherd singles in their walk with the Lord and their journey as singles. Gone are the days that the phrases like "It will happen when you least expect it" are encouraging. Honestly, there was never a day when that was encouraging. It is simply not true (ok, duh, we know that...however, it gets said a whole lot more than it should).

 Guys, these are principles that apply to your life too, but as your role is different in the whole dating/marriage pursuit, I do not address you. Feel free to read and enjoy, just realize that I did not address you.

 These articles do not touch on every area struggle, and are far from comprehensive. As far as good books that do deal with much more, I highly recommend "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. It is one the best written books on singleness in my opinion. I think every single gal should read it. Another one I read recently that is also a great book is "Thrive" by Lina Abujamra. So, without further ado, here is the first article.

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Eeek! He looked right at me! Shyly, I turned away, but my heart was fluttering. Maybe he thinks I am pretty! He looked again! He must like me! What can I do to get closer to him and get his attention? Then maybe he will talk to me, then we will fall in love....

That is a glimpse into my teenage heart. Today, the conversation in my head does not sound like that, and I have a better understanding of reality when a guy looks at me. But back then, I was boy crazy! And, as time progressed, the longing for a boyfriend increased. I realized after being saved that God was supposed to be my satisfaction and contentment. Desiring this, I memorized verses and quoted them, through tears, through days of anguish and longing, through loneliness and misery. I wanted a husband desperately and was mad at God because He would not give him to me right now! I put on a happy face and tried to act like everything was okay. But I was lacking peace and joy regarding my singleness.

I grew up hearing truths about God: He is sovereign, He is faithful, and He gives good things. However, these truths and my desires were at war. I was fighting for control and was not happy with the good things God had given me. My heart desperately needed a change. God continued to show me my sin, and the Spirit convicted me of the desires to which I was clinging. As I studied Scripture and the sweet truths there, God graciously changed my heart and showed me my life in a much different way.  

Submitting to the sovereignty of God was one of my first hurdles. I wrestled with the fact that He is King and His ways are not my ways. He is in control, and He is orchestrating everything in my life, and many days, I did not like that. Wanting to be on the throne and in control, I did not like that God’s plan for me at the moment was and is singleness. I had a different plan. Isaiah 46:9b-10, 11b brought conviction as I read “for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all My purpose,’ I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed, and I will do it.” And Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God and His Word kept ministering in my heart and life, and I began to accept that, as God, He alone has the right to determine the plan for my life, I do not! As I surrendered to those truths, the voices inside my head started to subside. Those voices that told me that God was messing up my life by not giving me a husband. Those voices that whispered I was not pretty enough, or good enough. Those voices that berated me when I said something stupid or did something clumsy (an often occurrence) in front of my latest crush. Eventually the truth of God’s control over my life became louder, and as they did, I realized that if He wants me to be married, it will happen, despite me and my idiosyncrasies.

Submitting to God’s sovereignty means accepting His goodness; He always gives good things. I despised it when people told me that singleness is a gift. I did not want that gift! It sounds so permanent, even though it might not be. One verse that radically changed my heart was the powerful truth in Psalm 84:11 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield, NO GOOD THING does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” If I am walking humbly and obediently before God, He will only give me what is good. That means today, as a single, that is good! It is for my good, for my sanctification, but most importantly, for God’s glory. That truth goes against the lies that I had listened to, that God was withholding something good from me. But He is not withholding good! He is only giving me good things, including singleness. In the past, I did not want that good thing from God, and for too long, was miserable. But when I started to embrace the good, the grace He was showering on my life, my perspective changed. I started to be thankful for the good He was giving me. And I started asking Him His purpose in keeping me single. What is He doing with my singleness? To whom does He want me to minister? What does He want to do through my singleness? Am I single so that I can glorify God more through singleness than through marriage?

Another hurdle I wrestled with was the fact that God acts for His own glory in all things and commands me to do the same. Isaiah 48:11 “For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? And My glory I will not give to another.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” Since God is acting for His glory, I began to see how I had been fighting Him instead of joining Him. As I started to understand how my singleness was for His glory, my heart changed its course. I started to be more aware of how my singleness could bring Him glory in so many different areas of my life: in my family, in my job, in my ministry, in my own heart!

If you are single, thank the Lord that you are single today for His glory and for your good. Embrace God’s character and His promises. Surrender to His sovereignty and plan for your life and His goodness. Take yourself off the throne of your heart and let Him take His place (I preach that to myself as well). Seek to live your life for His glory, and pursue making that your every moment’s desire.

If you are married, encourage the singles in your life in these truths about God. Do not simply tell them that their singleness is a gift, or that as a single, they have more free time to minister. That is not what they need or want to hear. Take them to the Word and show them God’s Sovereignty, His good plan for their lives, and that He only gives good things to His beloved daughters.