Singleness: Surviving or Thriving, Part Three

Little statues. Candles. Alters. People on their knees chanting incantations. Is this a common occurrence in your life? Probably not. However, it does not mean that you are free from idolatry. As a single, the desire for a husband can quickly become an idol that will consume your life and keep you from thriving.  

An idol is something someone wants so desperately that she is willing to sin to get it, or willing to sin if she does not get it. We can desire a relationship so desperately that we are willing to take our eyes off Christ and convince ourselves that it will bring satisfaction. Idolatry in other words is dissatisfaction: dissatisfaction with our singleness, our job, our family, the list goes on and on. We let that dissatisfaction grow until it has become an all-consuming passion. Let us look at what Jeremiah wisely said in Jeremiah 2:11-13: "But my people have changed their glory for that which does not profit. Be appalled, O heavens at this, be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." That relationship (anything really) we want most? It will not satisfy us, or heal us, or comfort us. It is broken. We invest time, money and great energy into pursuing our idol, and the most it might do is give a moment of selfish pleasure, and then it will leave us as dry as we were before.

Idolatry may also manifest itself in lust, a desire for something sensual that we cannot have. We usually hear sermons directed at men in this area, but we must not be naïve. We hide our sensual desires and assume that since we are not participating in pornography, we do not have a problem in this area. But this is not true. Those glances that we steal are more than innocent. Those thoughts we think are just as much sin. We must guard our hearts and practice self control with our eyes and minds. Remember God’s call for us in Romans 12:1-2 "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” He wants us to be holy, to be presenting our bodies (and minds) to Him as a sacrifice. We can do this because of His mercy! We can say no to those thoughts that creep in. We can say no to those desires. We can be pure.

So, what now? Is it wrong to desire marriage? Carolyn McCulley encourages us: “It's not wrong to want a good thing, especially a good thing that God created…It's the strength of that desire that we have to monitor. When that desire becomes so dominating that our worship of God is dented or diminished, we know right away that we have crossed the line into idolatry. We can't be satisfied with all of our other blessings, because we run everything through the growing demand for a husband. Here are some warning signs to consider:

You find it hard to pray because you think God doesn't want to bless you.

You aren't thankful for all the other answered prayers and blessings in your life.

You withdraw from others who are getting married or in relationships. (I do understand how hard it can be when someone else enters a relationship, especially with a man you are interested in. Being knocked off-balance by disappointment is common and it takes time to grieve lost hopes. But it should be temporary...)

You go to church more aware of the human relationships around … than your relationship with God. 

You think you have no purpose in the Kingdom because you are single, so therefore you don't serve others in the church or outside of it. You've begun to believe the Enemy's lie that nothing good can come out of this season of your life. 

Any discussion of marriage or singleness is a sore spot for you, one that keeps bringing you back to the idea that God is withholding something good from you.” From her blog solofemininity.blogs.com

I would add manipulation to Carolyn’s warning signs. I once heard someone talk about manipulation and I walked away thinking, "I am good on that. I do not manipulate." And then my eyes were opened to how manipulative my actions actually were. What about you? Do you ever position yourself so "that guy" has the best chance to hear you, or see you? Do you say things or talk to certain people in hopes that he will notice you? Do you initiate conversations with him so that you have a better chance of "getting him?" Now, initiating conversations is not necessarily wrong, but you need to be careful. It is the guy's role to initiate and lead, not ours. Manipulation is a sin. There are so many ways in which we manipulate: our clothes, body language, words, actions, and attitudes. Do you want a relationship or marriage that came about by your manipulation? I want one that God ordained and made happen, not me!

Singles: search your hearts for idols and repent. You do not have to fight your desire for marriage. But desire God’s will more. And just as it is not wrong to desire marriage, it is not wrong to have feelings for someone. Emotions are real, and given to us by God. But we need to guard against those emotions running out of control. Our emotions come from our thoughts, so let us guard our thoughts and think on truth.

Marrieds: we need people to keep us accountable to right thinking and living. Do not be afraid to ask the hard questions of the single gals in your life. Ask about their lives. Ask what idols they have. And then be a support and help them in their journey. 

Singleness: Surviving or Thriving, Part Two

Top ten things never to say to a single woman at a wedding:

1. You're next.

2. Why aren't you married?

3. Maybe you should lose some weight.

4. What about (insert name here)? He's a nice boy.

5. You're next.

6. Maybe you're called to singleness.

7. Can you babysit tonight?

8. Did you ever consider being a missionary?

9. Just don't think about marriage, and it will happen.

10. You're next.

From: Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

Married women, lend me your ears. Do not, under any circumstance, utter any of these phrases! Although funny, they are too often repeated. Read on about some of the struggles single women face and how you can biblically encourage them. Singles, you will likely hear at least one of these if you have not yet, so rehearse a gracious answer. These phrases can further our heart struggles, and plant doubts in our minds. With that in mind, let us examine our hearts and the many issues that keep us from thriving. Following are some key heart issues that can be a struggle:

• Believing lies. We hear many lies, and as our minds start to believe them, they take root. We are bombarded by the world's images of beauty, and we start to believe the lie that we are single because of our external image: I am too fat, I need more makeup, or I need more stylish clothes. We then get obsessed with changing these things in hopes of attracting a mate. Another lie we hear is that we just need to focus on being the right person, and then we will find the right one. Well, I guess I am not the right person yet! We are told that when we least expect it, then it will happen. Okay, I am going to work on least expecting it! We fall into the trap of "If only:" if only there were more guys at my church, if only I could be funnier, if only I was prettier, if only....It is not easy to keep our minds thinking on truth and fighting all the lies. Philippians 4:8 reminds us to think on those things that are true and pure. We must practice the put off, put on principle of Colossians 3. We must put off the lies we hear and believe, and constantly fill our minds with truth. It is not an easy fight, but an all too crucial battle that has staggering implications if we fail, but one that is possible to win with the Lord’s help.

• Mistrust. It is hard to trust God’s plan. We think that we know better than God what our needs are, or that we need to do something to make a relationship happen. However, God is all powerful and more than able to accomplish His will. Our pride can often get in the way of our trusting Him and resting in His plan. Carolyn McCulley challenges us: "If we are still alive, the story of God’s grace in our lives is still being written. We don’t know the future. Only He knows the beginning from the end and so it is arrogant to assume we can survey our circumstances and conclude we know what God is doing." God’s plan for our lives is holiness and bringing Him glory. He has given us all we need to accomplish this: "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). It is up to us to obey and trust Him.

• Idolatry. We see others’ happy relationships/marriages and want that for ourselves. Yes, marriage is wonderful and a good thing to desire, however, our desire can quickly become an idol. Envy and jealousy then have free reign and our lives are not ruled by joy anymore. We will discuss idols in the next issue.

• Discontentment. We let discontentment have reign over our hearts. We forget that Jesus is enough. If the only thing that Jesus did for us was save us from sin, it would be enough! But He continues to do so much more. Psalm 107:9 "For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things." He is our treasure and when we are discontent, we trample that treasure.

• Loneliness. We are lonely and want to be loved. Every person was created with a hole and the only thing that fits that hole is Jesus. Yet we try to cram other things into it: things that we think will satisfy us, that will please us. Remember God’s promise in Hebrews 13:5c: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Rest in His presence, His faithful, continual presence. There will be times of longing for companionship and it is tempting to let the focus on ourselves grow. That is when we must get outside ourselves (Philippians 2:1-18) and go serve, being careful not to stifle ministry. 1 Corinthians 10:24 "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."

• Unthankfulness. We do not like the gift God has given us, and in our pride, think we know of a better gift. I never liked it when people told me singleness was a gift. I did not want that gift! I wanted marriage! I kept slapping God in the face and trying to throw the gift back to Him. Singleness is, for now, a gift and it is a good gift! Psalm 84:11 says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." How sweet! God only gives good things. He only gives things that are for His glory and my good. Elizabeth Elliot challenges us: "If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Singleness ought not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. God in His wisdom and love grants either as a gift. An unmarried person has the gift of singleness, not to be confused with the gift of celibacy, which usually refers to one who is bound by vows not to marry. If you are not so bound, what may be your portion tomorrow is not your business today. Today’s business is trust in the living God who precisely measures out, day by day, each one’s portion."

• Suffering. When singleness feels like suffering, we are called to rejoice: 1 Peter 1:6-7 "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Let us choose to be steadfast and live for His glory and honor! Carolyn Leutwiler in Singleness Redefined encourages us: "The suffering of the saints allows God's redemptive work to be seen all the more. As individuals continue to live by Christ alone and praise Him in the midst of pain and trial, He is glorified."

Singles: Fight! Fight the lies, fight sin, fight for joy! Examine your heart, put off sinful thoughts, motives and actions, and put on truth and obedience. Marrieds: Encourage! Encourage with the truth of God’s Word

Singleness: Surviving or Thriving, Part One

I am writing a series on Singleness, called Singleness: Surviving or Thriving for my church's women's magazine. This series actually comes from a seminar I have given a few times. I need a place to post these for people who have been asking to read them, so this is the place.

 God has done a huge work in my heart in this area of singleness and continues to work, because I am far from perfect in this area. My heart for these articles is for two sets of people: for single women and for married women. For singles, that God would grow them into women who are abandoned to Him, His purpose and calling, and who are abundantly satisfied in Him. For married women, that you would grow in your ability to encourage and shepherd singles in their walk with the Lord and their journey as singles. Gone are the days that the phrases like "It will happen when you least expect it" are encouraging. Honestly, there was never a day when that was encouraging. It is simply not true (ok, duh, we know that...however, it gets said a whole lot more than it should).

 Guys, these are principles that apply to your life too, but as your role is different in the whole dating/marriage pursuit, I do not address you. Feel free to read and enjoy, just realize that I did not address you.

 These articles do not touch on every area struggle, and are far from comprehensive. As far as good books that do deal with much more, I highly recommend "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" by Carolyn McCulley. It is one the best written books on singleness in my opinion. I think every single gal should read it. Another one I read recently that is also a great book is "Thrive" by Lina Abujamra. So, without further ado, here is the first article.

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Eeek! He looked right at me! Shyly, I turned away, but my heart was fluttering. Maybe he thinks I am pretty! He looked again! He must like me! What can I do to get closer to him and get his attention? Then maybe he will talk to me, then we will fall in love....

That is a glimpse into my teenage heart. Today, the conversation in my head does not sound like that, and I have a better understanding of reality when a guy looks at me. But back then, I was boy crazy! And, as time progressed, the longing for a boyfriend increased. I realized after being saved that God was supposed to be my satisfaction and contentment. Desiring this, I memorized verses and quoted them, through tears, through days of anguish and longing, through loneliness and misery. I wanted a husband desperately and was mad at God because He would not give him to me right now! I put on a happy face and tried to act like everything was okay. But I was lacking peace and joy regarding my singleness.

I grew up hearing truths about God: He is sovereign, He is faithful, and He gives good things. However, these truths and my desires were at war. I was fighting for control and was not happy with the good things God had given me. My heart desperately needed a change. God continued to show me my sin, and the Spirit convicted me of the desires to which I was clinging. As I studied Scripture and the sweet truths there, God graciously changed my heart and showed me my life in a much different way.  

Submitting to the sovereignty of God was one of my first hurdles. I wrestled with the fact that He is King and His ways are not my ways. He is in control, and He is orchestrating everything in my life, and many days, I did not like that. Wanting to be on the throne and in control, I did not like that God’s plan for me at the moment was and is singleness. I had a different plan. Isaiah 46:9b-10, 11b brought conviction as I read “for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all My purpose,’ I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed, and I will do it.” And Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God and His Word kept ministering in my heart and life, and I began to accept that, as God, He alone has the right to determine the plan for my life, I do not! As I surrendered to those truths, the voices inside my head started to subside. Those voices that told me that God was messing up my life by not giving me a husband. Those voices that whispered I was not pretty enough, or good enough. Those voices that berated me when I said something stupid or did something clumsy (an often occurrence) in front of my latest crush. Eventually the truth of God’s control over my life became louder, and as they did, I realized that if He wants me to be married, it will happen, despite me and my idiosyncrasies.

Submitting to God’s sovereignty means accepting His goodness; He always gives good things. I despised it when people told me that singleness is a gift. I did not want that gift! It sounds so permanent, even though it might not be. One verse that radically changed my heart was the powerful truth in Psalm 84:11 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield, NO GOOD THING does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” If I am walking humbly and obediently before God, He will only give me what is good. That means today, as a single, that is good! It is for my good, for my sanctification, but most importantly, for God’s glory. That truth goes against the lies that I had listened to, that God was withholding something good from me. But He is not withholding good! He is only giving me good things, including singleness. In the past, I did not want that good thing from God, and for too long, was miserable. But when I started to embrace the good, the grace He was showering on my life, my perspective changed. I started to be thankful for the good He was giving me. And I started asking Him His purpose in keeping me single. What is He doing with my singleness? To whom does He want me to minister? What does He want to do through my singleness? Am I single so that I can glorify God more through singleness than through marriage?

Another hurdle I wrestled with was the fact that God acts for His own glory in all things and commands me to do the same. Isaiah 48:11 “For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? And My glory I will not give to another.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” Since God is acting for His glory, I began to see how I had been fighting Him instead of joining Him. As I started to understand how my singleness was for His glory, my heart changed its course. I started to be more aware of how my singleness could bring Him glory in so many different areas of my life: in my family, in my job, in my ministry, in my own heart!

If you are single, thank the Lord that you are single today for His glory and for your good. Embrace God’s character and His promises. Surrender to His sovereignty and plan for your life and His goodness. Take yourself off the throne of your heart and let Him take His place (I preach that to myself as well). Seek to live your life for His glory, and pursue making that your every moment’s desire.

If you are married, encourage the singles in your life in these truths about God. Do not simply tell them that their singleness is a gift, or that as a single, they have more free time to minister. That is not what they need or want to hear. Take them to the Word and show them God’s Sovereignty, His good plan for their lives, and that He only gives good things to His beloved daughters.